Thinks on Things

A gathering of ponderings…

Unfathomable Walls and Bottomless Pits

I have a problem with God. It’s a bad problem and I don’t really know how to explain it. I’ll try anyway.

In my wanderings of ponderings I’ve discovered a disturbing thing. I seem to be shutting down. Against my will. I don’t want it to happen but it is. Since I’ve decided to try opening up my life and trust more deeply it’s been getting harder and harder. I keep finding things about myself that I just plain don’t want to share. I don’t want to be around people or talk about my problems. So I shut down and I’ve been getting cynical and bitter about many things. I figure it’s better to be honestly bitter than have a front of fake joyfulness.

My life seems to be going downhill and now I wonder where the bottom is? Isn’t the bottom where you realize that you can’t do anything without God’s help and finally turn to Him and plead for help? Well, I thought I had been there but it seems something is wrong.

1) Maybe this isn’t the bottom and I will become more pessimistic.
2) Maybe I haven’t ask God hard enough?
3) Maybe God doesn’t see fit to help me right now.

I need God to do something in my heart because I can’t do it. I heard a song on the radio on a station I never listen to. Here is the chorus:

There’s a wall in your heart
That no one can get through
And it’s cold, and it’s dark
And you don’t have a clue.

But this wall, it will fall
If it’s the last thing I do
I’ll get through
This wall in your heart.

I felt like the words were what I needed to hear from God. But something just isn’t right. The words are nice and it speaks of what I need but I don’t feel like it was God speaking. I don’t feel God is fighting or breaking through at all. Call me a heretic and burn me at the stake but that’s what I feel and I don’t know how to break down walls if He won’t help me.

Advice and prayers are very welcome.

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January 10, 2007 - Posted by | All My Thinks

2 Comments »

  1. I wish I had some advice that would be helpful. I do know that I’ve been through similar times and have made it through. I think it’s especially hard if you’ve had times where you’ve especially sensed God’s presence real close to go through times where God seems a million miles away. Lean on the good times.

    Comment by John Smulo | January 12, 2007

  2. John,

    Thanks for the support. I did end up talking to someone about this and had it explained thus:

    Because I am still very attached emotionally to the events at hand and in pain because of it, I am looking for ways to numb myself so I won’t have to feel like this. This means I haven’t felt much of anything (good or bad, God included). But turning off parts of myself has led to barriers between myself and everything and everyone around me and God. I find life bearable when I can ignore or distract myself from these pains. I simply block off another part of me from the world. Piece by piece.

    But this means that the walls will keep growing. I have in essence shut down the reasoning capabilities that would tell me that God would never invade territory I have fenced in for myself. He doesn’t barge in on anyone. He just waits. And waits. And waits.

    If this is correct, then I truly hope that if/when I finally get a grip and pay attention to Him properly, He will be there. That He will help me tear down walls that, in actuality, I was the one to let build up.

    laj

    Comment by postalhoot | January 14, 2007


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