Thinks on Things

A gathering of ponderings…

Pt 2: Sleeping with the Fishes

Apologies for repetition for those who have astute noses for being ‘in the loop’ but for those who haven’t noticed, I haven’t been myself. Lately my life has been turned completely upside down with trials large and small. Now I’ve been told by many that ‘this is just life, it sucks, but we will eventually get over it’. I’ve heard various analogies ranging from sharp pruning shears to winnowing forks and refining fires. True or not, none of these sound particularily enjoyable to a man in pain. I’ve also read and remembered Bible verses about how I should ‘consider it pure joy’ and ‘testing of my faith develops perseverance’. I’m sorry but I just can’t seem to get to those places right now and it doesn’t feel like I ever will.

So I’ve become really bitter and cynical lately because of all this. I see other people dealing with their stuff properly and I see their seemingly good results and I want that too. But I don’t want it if it isn’t real and right now other peoples’ methods and answers just don’t seem to fit my problems and situations.

So this built up and produced another rough sleepless night of pain and shame and guilt and loneliness and oppression deep in my soul. I couldn’t sleep for so long that really late became really early. I had tried various methods to tire myself out physically so that I would be exhausted and fall asleep. Tedious cleaning of my room, running laps around the soccer field in the middle of the night, washing dishes, crying/bawling/screaming, and shoveling new snow at 5am. None of this worked to tire me out so I went swimming at the local high school.

After I finished swimming it hit me that if I had actually succeeded in falling asleep, doing it while swimming would have been a bad idea. Either way, it didn’t work anyway. My quest for relief from pain would have to lead elsewhere.

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December 20, 2006 - Posted by | All My Thinks

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